How to Relate on a First Date
Own Your Feelings
So, you decided to get back in the game. Maybe you’re using a dating app, maybe you’re going on a date with someone you met irl. Either way, you’re likely feeling one or more of a variety of feelings. Maybe people feel nervous, or excited. Others feel empty, or pessimistic. Others still feel desperate and urgent. Maybe you feel indifferent, maybe curious, maybe playful?
Interesting, isn’t it? How going on a date can, depending on our mindset, bring up such a wide variety of feelings. Maybe we’re nervous or excited because we’re going into the unknown. Maybe we’re empty because we’re burnt out from going on too many dates that were “unsuccessful”. We might feel desperate or urgent because we feel we cannot be happy unless we find a partner. Maybe we feel playful or curious because we’re meeting someone new and that’s interesting for us, whether we “get to a second date” or not.
It’s important for us to own our feelings at this stage and not put those feelings onto our date. For example, arriving looking downcast and projecting the expectation that the date will be “a fail” won’t inspire your date to be the best version of themselves, even if they were coming with curiosity and excitement. Likely your mood, if you don’t own it in yourself, will deflate them as they think “oh, they don’t look very happy to be here”.
If you need help recognising and own your emotions, here’s an article I wrote on how to listen to your feelings.
Drop The Second Date Goal
Many of these negative feelings about dating can be dealt with by reframing how we see dating in the first place.
Many of us get understandably stuck in the idea that we’re primarily going on a date to achieve a predefined outcome, and if we don’t achieve that outcome, the date is a fail. Usually, these outcomes orbit around the general goal of “getting a second”.
This way of approaching dating can, paradoxically, ruin the experience of dating itself. Imagine arriving on a date and, when you see the person for the first time, you are filtering the moment through “do I want to date them again?” and/or “will they want to date me again?” If you don’t immediately find them physically attractive, you may think a second date is pointless, and so you switch off your motivation, you don’t try, you give up. This energy will at the least reduce the energy of your date. At worst, it will appear insulting to your date and result in a bad experience for both of you. Conversely, if you do find them attractive and your goal is to get a second date, then you may suddenly feel a lot of pressure to be a certain way to try and make this happen. This might cause you to be more tense than normal, or to start acting in ways that are not really authentic to you, but are more efforts just to impress your date. This may come across strained or “fake” to your date, raising their own tensions, or even suspicions, that you’re not being real.
This is not good. Putting all the importance on getting a second date can lead to all sorts of tensions and social feedback loops that can absolutely ruin a dating experience.
Finding ways to just enjoy the first date for what it is can be more helpful. Might include the aim just to get to know someone new, even if it doesn’t lead to a second date. Who are they? You have one night only to find out about a random person who might never see again. You also have an evening to practice being yourself with someone. That might be scary, but also rewarding. Finding the things you value in the first date, in itself, can be a great way to enjoy the day or evening, whether it leads to a second date or not.
Values
So, instead of focusing on the goal of a second date, we can focus on value-based goals in the now, such as what we want to get out of the experience itself, even if it is just one date?
We can set value-based goals, such as living the value of curiosity and “getting to know a new person”. This can be achieved on any first date, and is fairly easy to accomplish (see below!). We can also live the value of authenticity and practise “being open and our true self with another”. Again, this is possible to achieve on a first date and, if its a value you connect with, is a great place to practice being real. Indeed, these two values (curiosity and authenticity) can go down really well on a first date, so let’s look at them in more detail below. However, you can choose any value-based goal you connect with, as long as the goal can be achieved on a first date alone, as long as you can live out this value you connect with without needing a second date. That way you get to go home with a degree of success, having lived true to your true values, whether or not a second happens.
Another value you might find in going on a first date is facing your fears and/or distress of dating. But how can distress be valuable you might ask? Here’s an article I wrote on the value of distress that you might find helpful.
Other values include fun, kindness, generosity, connection, intimacy, intensity, depth, humour, ambition. The list is endless and unique to each of us.
If you need some help uncovering what you might get from a first date, in itself, you could do a cost/benefit analysis here.
Be Curious
Being curious on a first date is so important. Sometimes we can rock up to a date and expect the other person to do all the work, to ask all the cool questions, and honestly, most people find this kind of attitude in the other person hard work. If we’re going to have a nice first date experience, we’re going to need to put some work in too.
But being curious isn’t that hard, right? We should be able to be curious, right?
Well, sometimes we need a bit of help and practice with getting to know another person. Maybe we are genuinely curious, but we don’t know where to start. Thankfully, there are loads of questions we can ask that can help us get to know another person (see below), and, most people really appreciate it when they feel the other person is genuinely interested in getting to know them. Many become the best version of themselves in this kind of conversation, so it’s really worth showing interest in order to find out who the other person really is. And I hope you didn’t miss a crucial word there. People apprecaite genuine interest. This isn’t something you can fake. We’re not faking interest to get a second date. This needs to be real, authentic interest connected to the value of just getting to know another person, whether we want a second date with them or not. Remember, drop outcome-based goals!
Anyway, once you are actually connected to your genuine desire to just get to know this person, here’s a bunch of my favourite questions you can ask to get to know someone while you enjoy your coffee, drinks, or dinner:
How’s your day been?
What’s your best friend like? How did you meet?
What do you value most right now in your life?
If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?
What’s your family like? Is it big, small?
If everything in your life was burning down, and you could only save one material thing, what would you save?
What are your life goals right now? What are you trying to achieve?
How do you like to spend your free time?
What’s your favourite way to chill out (books? movies? reddit? exercise?)
What’s you favourite memory as a kid?
How are you finding the dating experience in general?
What kind of things are you most grateful for in your life right now?
What’s your favourite TV series right now? Why do you like it?
What kind of things do you have on your bucket list?
If you had infinite money, and you could live a perfect day, what would it look like from the moment you woke up to the moment you eventually feel asleep?
Do you believe in soulmates? Why? Why not?
Do you have a celebrity crush? Who are they? Why do you like them?
What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?
What skill would you like to learn?
What do you value most in a friend, or partner?
What’s your biggest irrational fear?
Note how these questions are not all tailored towards relationships, and outcome-based thinking, like “do you want kids?” etc. Often such outcome-based questions are jumping the gun, and can come across presumtuous, pushy, or “too soon”.
Pick you favs and weave them into the conversation! Remember, it’s not an interview, it’s a conversation!
Be Open
Of course, the other side of curiosity, is a willingness to be open with the person you are dating when they ask you a question. This is a really important part of allowing someone to get to know you. It can be important to be real and authentic here, to put the person at ease. Being performative or untruthful in order to impress can come across fake and untrustworthy to others.
Being open doesn’t just mean answering your date’s questions genuinely, but also being open about how you feel and what you’re thinking in the moment! I mean, it can be such a tension-reliever to say “wow, I’m a bit nervous!” or “I’m excited to meet you” at the start of the date if that’s true, as it helps your date understand how you are, and how you feel, which can help them understand your actions, if you’re a bit clumsy or energetic, for example. Being open and honest with your date helps them get to know you and who you really are.
This can be hard for some people, however. Saying what you really think can feel risky in some situations, but lying or fronting will only set off alarm bells for your date. People are generally very sensitive to how honest, or not, people are being with them. And also, it’s better to let the person get to know who you really are now, instead of faking it now and, if you continue to meet, having to be honest further down the line.
Of course, being open, honest and authentic is far easier if it’s not so important to get a second date, and, it’s more important to just get to know each other, even if you never see each other again.
Go for it!
So, these are the main things to keep in mind when going on a first date. Own your feelings, drop the goal of a second date, find a reason to go the first date that isn’t about getting to a second date, be curious, and be open.
These might be scary, but their worth it. Taking the risk is certainly scary, and if you need some good reasons to take risks in your life, you can find out why taking risks is so important here?
And it you find them too scary right now, feel free to reach out to me for a 1:1 sessions, and we’ll explore what’s going on for you. You can find out more about what I do and who I am here:
What Do You Think?
What do you find hard about dating?
What do you think of the suggestions above?
What’s your favourite question to ask on a date?
What’s it like being open and honest on a first date?
What other advice would you give to people on a first date?